


I Think, Therefore I Think I Am

by bibesties



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Aroflux, Aromantic, Aromantic Character, Asexual Character, F/F, Gen, M/M, i was going to write this for aromantic awareness week but then i got busy but it's here now!, tws for alcohol mention very briefly and pda mention and slight pda and food mention
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-12-06
Updated: 2015-01-11
Packaged: 2018-02-28 09:36:24
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 12,669
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2727491
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bibesties/pseuds/bibesties
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sirius is rarely involved in feelings of attraction, or crushes, or fantasies, or anything of the sort.<br/>Although recently he's been starting to feel a lot closer to one person in particular.<br/>It's confusing. It's surprising.<br/>It's James.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Sunday, 1:03 am.

**Author's Note:**

> Okay, so here is probably the longest fic I've ever written!
> 
> I have a weakness for James/Sirius and I really wanted to write something for the ship so I'm glad I finally have.  
> If you're interested, Sirius is aroflux asexual and James is demiromantic greysexual.  
> Also Lily and Marlene are both on the aromantic spectrum, okay basically everyone is aromantic in this fic.
> 
> I'll be posting a new chapter each week, and as this is multi chapter and because I can't be arsed, there won't be poems at the end of each chapter, sorry to anyone looking forward to that!
> 
> The title is taken from a @NightValeRadio tweet though, surely that counts.
> 
> Oh, and of course none of these characters or Harry Potter belongs to me. Although I do wish Jo had made them a little more diverse, sexuality-wise, don't you?
> 
> Thank God for fanfiction.
> 
> AUTHOR'S NOTE: When I wrote this fic I followed the idea of split attraction. I was also in a bad place and have negative connections to this fic. A lot has changed, I'm still aro/ace spec but don't choose to apply those labels to myself. I hope to edit this fic instead of deleting it. I don't ship James/Sirius any more really and have negative connections to it now, rip.

"Why did this happen now?"

That's the first thing he thinks.

It doesn't help that all of a sudden Sirius can't seem to remember a time when he didn't feel like this. It's a little unsettling how easily this crush has fitted itself into his life, refusing to leave him alone like a stubborn spot of mould under his bed.

Perhaps he always felt this way, but only just realised it. He's sure he'll never fully work it out; he's never had much experience with this sort of thing anyway.

Yet, he continues to mull it over in his mind, as a teenager is prone to do with a crush.

Though this seems like a particularly less than average crush, Sirius muses unhappily, seeing as he has suddenly found himself mooning over his _best friend_. Actually, on second thoughts, he realises that is exactly the sort of thing that terrible muggle romance movies are made of.

Well, any crush is very much less than average to him. He's barely had a flicker of romantic interest in anyone before, and now he can't stop thinking about the curve of his friend's jaw and how much he would like to put his mouth there.

Was it the jawline that made him feel this way? Sirius isn't sure. He thinks he might very well blame it anyway, just to have something to blame for this sudden bout of feelings that enjoy assaulting his mind every few minutes.

Maybe there wasn't just one thing that suddenly made his brain flick into fancying mode; it could have been a culmination of things. Though it would've been easier if it hadn't happened at all, he thinks. Or if it had happened a little sooner than five years into their friendship, then he could have gotten it out of the way earlier.

He wants to think "Gosh, this is terrible", but that wouldn't be the truth. He has already spent years admiring and loving his friend, spending almost every moment with him and enjoying his company. Fancying him really isn't all that difficult, or all that different, Sirius muses.

Though there is the added desire to slip his fingers between the familiar, knobby-knuckled ones of his friend. He thinks he'd enjoy kissing him, maybe running a hand through his hair, or even both at the same time.

An odd thought strikes him. He's felt like that before.

That's… well, that's not all that unlikely.

He has a feeling that he's wanted to do those things with his best mate before, quite probably when he was drunk once. Maybe a couple of times when he was drunk and the candlelight lit up his friend's face in a certain way.

He thinks that he probably just dismissed those thoughts or simply didn't understand or recognize them at the time. It feels like he's opened the floodgates to every romantic thought he's ever had.

There haven't been all that many before now.

They have all been about _him_.

They've kissed a few times. They've messed around a bit when he was drunk, and sometimes when they were both just bored and a little bit sleepy and not-so-drunk. He recalls enjoying it quite a bit, actually, though sometimes it was more the atmosphere surrounding the events, rather than being a part of it.

He's starting to regret thinking into his past as his mind keeps conjuring up some previously buried memories. However, they are rather nice memories, he supposes.

Sirius is starting to lean towards the idea that this has been going on for some time without his body bothering to notify his brain about it until now. Only now have the warm feelings inside him and the occasional distracting thoughts come together in an explainable way.

Took his bloody time, he chastises himself.

He feels he's done his fair share of thinking about the issue, and now he wonders what to do about it. Talking to the new object of his affection is out of the question. Yes, he talks to him about basically everything, but Sirius would like to be sure that this is something real that's going on before he tells him about it.

A tiny voice inside his head voices the idea that Sirius is actually quite sure about his feelings and is just putting off broaching the topic with his friend as he's nervous about the reply he'll get.

That voice sounds like an irritating mixture of all of his most hated family members and a couple of grumpy house elves.

He silences it.

Perhaps he will talk about it with Peter or Remus, maybe even Lily. Although, as soon as he has thought about it, his mind unhelpfully offers reasons of why not to do that.

Peter is too understanding and would be all support and no real answers. Remus would likely congratulate him and offer him a witty pickup line and tell him he's seen it coming for years. Lily would be the most helpful, although Sirius is starting to think she's become a little _interested_ in the same person as him.

"Right," he tells himself. "Looks like I'm alone in this internal debacle. I will power through this."

At least, he hopes he'll power through.

He's starting to wonder how he'll even look his best mate in the eye in the morning. However, it is lucky how his realisation happened at one in the morning when he was alone, rather than during breakfast or in the showers. That would've have been mildly more unfortunate. This is still pretty damn unfortunate, though, he decides.

He is tempted to mull it over for a while longer… but then he skips to the conclusion that he's sure he would have come to after another hour of thought – there's nothing to be done about it.

Not right now, when he's tired and stiff after sitting in the same position for a good hour and a half, and probably not any time after that.

He's really not bothered about it being a boy; gender has never been an obstacle for him when it comes to possible attraction. He wonders if it could bother his friend, although he knows that the other has been interested in other guys before too. He supposes he's more worried about the fact that it's him, not because of his gender.

He's supposed to be a mate, a best mate, and now he wants to be more. He feels like he's let down his friend for feeling like this, although he can't exactly help it.

Over the past hour or so, the idea of being romantically attracted to someone has started to feel quite pleasant. He doesn't feel like he wants to push this away. Sirius is sure it's because of who it is; he couldn't have wished for a better person to have strong feelings for.

His thoughts fade away for a moment as he grins in the direction of his friend's bed.

In what way, he isn't fully sure, but he loves him.

He really, really does, he thinks, and he smiles wider at that. He cares so much about his mate and he's sure he'll do whatever he thinks will work out best for him. In a strange way he feels like his best friend is in safe hands, being his crush. He'll do whatever is right.

He's not sure what that is at the moment, maybe keeping quiet until it blows over, maybe announcing it and getting it out of the way, who knows? Not Sirius. He's extremely exhausted.

After some stretching and removing of clothes, he's burrowed in bed, feeling for the first time in a while that he might be able to get some sleep. His mind is still busy, churning things over, shoving possible ideas for declarations of love at him, but he feels like he can put them aside for a while and get some rest.

The last thing on his mind before he slips into unconsciousness is something that he is sure will be the thing he falls asleep thinking about for quite a long time.

James.


	2. Monday, 12:25 pm.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> James has noticed Sirius' behaviour, but he has some behaviours of his own that he has to think about first.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here it is, the second chapter!  
> Thanks to all of the great feedback I've already recieved from friends and strangers alike, it's so great to be adding another James/Sirius fic to the small collection that we have :)
> 
> Sorry for the slight delay in uploading this chapter, I was laptop-less for a while due to no internet security, but I'm back now and hopefully should be uploading a new chapter every saturday.
> 
> By the way, each chapter will take turns POV-wise, so the first one is Sirius, then James, then it'll be Sirius again, then James and so on!
> 
> As always, feedback is very much appreciated, thanks guys!

Sirius has been acting weird.

He's noticed, James always notices these things, and not because he spends a large part of his life watching his mate. Well, it might be partly because of that, but it's not like it's a bad thing. He only looks at his arse a good three to four times a day. He could be creepier.

Arses aside, Something Is Up with his best mate.

Now, he's tried the usual tactics: offering food in exchange for personal information, the old "you know you can tell me anything, right?" and even pinning him down and refusing to release him until he says what's up with him.

You can't just try a simple "How are you?" with Sirius Black, you know.

But alas, none of those got Sirius to bring up the topic of what's been troubling him for the last couple of days. The last attempt did bring something up with James, but that's really beside the point.

He wonders when keeping his mate happy became one of the main focuses of his life. Probably around the same time they punched each other on the train in first year and declared themselves best friends three minutes afterwards. That was a good day.

It was a year after that when James got those _feelings_ for his best friend. The ones that still give him thoughts that make him swallow and do an involuntary shiver sometimes, although, unlike other strange shivers, he knows exactly what causes them.

It's funny how Remus says he's a terrible liar and that Peter makes fun of how he always has to blurt out everything he thinks, because he's been keeping this from everyone for a good few years now. Maybe that's why he's still not said anything – it wouldn't be good to upset his track record of hiding his feelings for four years.

Yeah, that's why. He's definitely not worried about straining their friendship or anything like that. Nope.

It's starting to get hard though.

No, not his cock (his body isn't _that_ out of control, for Merlin's sake, even if Sirius is around a lot. Not like he is at this moment though, he's disappeared, something he's been doing a lot lately), but keeping this secret.

He always feels bad about it if he thinks for too long about how he's hiding something from his closest friends, he feels like he's breaking the tight bonds of their trust for each other.

But it's not like he can help it. Sirius would react how he always does when he's caught off guard; making a weird high-pitched noise and disappearing for a few hours before returning and refusing to speak about it ever again.

It would ruin their friendship, James is sure of it, and he would rather do every horrible thing he's read about in those torture books he stole from the library than lose his friendship with his best mate.

Besides, it's not been _too_ tricky to cope with; he and Sirius are basically always in each other's company anyway, hugging and clinging onto each other under the invisibility cloak and sometimes kissing in the euphoria that comes from a successful Quidditch game.

Even cuddling together once they've become bored of the inevitable after party and falling asleep curled up afterwards, though he makes sure that doesn't happen too often as it just makes things tougher for him for the next few days.

Anyway, getting back to the issue at hand...

Hm. James realises it's pretty difficult for him to think straight when Sirius is involved. Not that he thinks straight much anyway, which would be a brilliant joke to tell his friend, thought obviously he _can't_ because this all involves him being fancied which is very, very unspeakable.

The problem is: he's starting to reach breaking point.

During the last few weeks things have been getting tougher to cope with.

Whenever he clasps hands or shares a grin with Sirius, he feels this sadness scraping at the inside of his stomach, making him yearn to do these things as often as possible even though he knows that wouldn't be all that inconspicuous.

He keeps feeling this need tugging inside of him, making him want to be by Sirius' side much more than he used to. He just wants to be near him every minute of the day, even though he knows that is pretty impossible.

He remembers Peter saying that he felt like this once, and Remus said he was pining.

Well, James isn't pining after his friend. Not much, anyway. He'd just like wrap his arms around his friend and kiss his neck every day and he always wants to be touching him in some way, and it's just a bit upsetting that he can't do these things as much as he'd want to.

It's been even worse these past two days as Sirius has been away a lot. He already wants to be beside Sirius as often as he can be, as though there's a sticking charm connecting them both, and the need to be close to him is even worse when he's nowhere to be seen.

It's like when he was younger, when his mother said he couldn't get a bigger broom until he was older, and then because it was pulled away from him he just longed to have it even more. He keeps having to duck behind alcoves and groan into his sleeve every time he feels himself _pining_ for closeness.

James doesn't know where Sirius has been disappearing to, which worries him further, though something tells him that Sirius isn't doing anything too dangerous, just avoiding him for some reason.

He suspects this as he's seen him walking through corridors and laughing with Remus and playing exploding snap in the common room with Peter, but whenever he turns up his friend _always_ has somewhere else to be.

Sirius is not in the least subtle about it, but James and the other two humour him anyway; their mate wouldn't hide away without a good reason. But it's bloody annoying that he won't just tell one of them the reason and mope for a few hours and then go back to his normal enthusiastic (beautifully so, James muses) self.

It's ridiculous but he finds it hard to cope without being able to brush his fingers against Sirius a good few times during the day, even if it does make his insides swirm around outside of his control.

It's become routine for him: get up, lend Peter an item of clothing, have breakfast, steal extra bacon from Remus' plate, squeeze Sirius' arm, go to lessons, sling an arm around Sirius' shoulder for as long as possible, have more lessons and food, ruffle Sirius' hair before saying goodnight.

It might sometimes be hard to rest his head on his friend's shoulder and know that it's just a friendly gesture, but it's not like he wants to stop doing that. He feels like he needs to do these things just to get through the day. Though he would stop if Sirius had somehow found out how he feels about him and was uncomfortable with it.

Shit. James feels a rush of panic run through him as he wonders if Sirius has found out about it.

He wouldn't have heard it from anyone as James has only spoken about it to himself internally ( _moped_ is the word his mind supplies, in a voice very much like Lily Evans'), so he would've figured it out himself. Has he done anything overly touchy-feely in the last week?

James doesn't think so; he's gotten good at doing just the right amount of gestures, despite how much his fingertips want to linger on Sirius' skin for hours.

Besides, Sirius is the clingy one who's always hugging him and kissing his cheek; he doesn't think Sirius cares about whether actions are seen as romantic or too close or anything else people would like to label them as.

If Sirius has found out then the fact that he's been actively staying away from him isn't a good sign at all. James clenches his jaw as he feels his throat signal a possible bout of crying. He hasn't got time for that, he's already late to lunch. And he doesn't even know if this is the reason why his best friend has been acting off.

"No jumping to any conclusions without proper evidence," he decides.

"It's time I talked to Remus about this," he also decides.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Too many dick jokes?  
> Nah, didn't think so.  
> It is James, after all. ;)


	3. Tuesday, 4:56 pm.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sirius spends a lot of time musing over his identity and issues, and luckily a couple of friends are there to assist him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter three is here!  
> It's time for some other characters to pop along, don't you think?

Sirius travels down the small gap between the greenhouses furthest from the castle.

The grass here is pale and worn; Hagrid once told him that it refuses to grow the same as the rest of the grass in the grounds, lush and green.

On some of his more depressing walks down the narrow path, Sirius has likened himself to the grass, thinking of himself being so different from how he is supposed to be: like the rest of his family. He's thought a lot of things while on this dry section of grass.

He likes it here. It's hidden from view by the dusty window panes of the greenhouses on either side, it's sheltered from the wind (and the rain if he crouches down enough), and it's quiet and nice and his private place.

If any of his friends know that he comes here, they've never mentioned it, which means that they're either oblivious to its existence or are respecting his privacy. Either way, it makes it somewhere he can go when he feels like getting away from everything for a while.

It's strange, he muses every time he comes here, how the grass is so well trodden when he's never seen anybody else here. Perhaps they know it belongs to him and steer clear of it like his mates.

He enjoys coming up with possible scenarios that explain how it came to be the way it is.

It's the gossip spot where all the professors come to talk about their least favourite students. It's the path where alcohol gets smuggled in by the Hufflepuffs. It used to be the prime shagging spot until students were banned from it.

He may never find the real answer, but it keeps him busy when he needs distractions. It also makes the area unique and interesting and special, which makes him feel much better about his differences. It may be odd to compare yourself to a section of withered grass, but it works for him.

He feels like he should probably be thinking about his feelings for James, though he also feels like he finds himself mulling that over enough anyway. Plus he did come to his hideaway to get away from the guy.

His best friend has already become a distraction and only two days have passed since the day that he had his realisation about romantic feelings involving certain friends.

Although, he muses, the last few days have been very long and arduous. It's not really James himself that is distracting, although his strong hands don't help matters. Sirius has always found himself distracted by those active fingers. Always tapping on armrests and sliding across surfaces and brushing back hair.

Peter once explained to them that there are several different types of attraction, and one of them is aesthetic attraction, liking how someone looks. Sirius knows that he most definitely feels this for James, and he's pretty sure he's felt it for a while but merely interpreted it as admiration and admitting that his friend is handsome.

More distracting then that, however, is the constant reminder of these new feelings for his friend, hitting him every time he so much as thinks of him.

He was starting to feel like he could get used to it earlier, but he when he woke today the feelings had just faded away. He yearned to want to kiss James, but just didn't have any desire to. It shook him up, made him feel like he couldn't trust himself, and it felt like he wasn't fitting inside his body properly, like he wasn't sure who he was.

He should've been glad - no more awkwardness or shock to deal with should have been a blessing. But no, he felt positively confused by it, unsure about his feelings and thoughts and basically everything. He's calmed down a bit throughout the day, but he still feels utterly unsure about it all.

He'd been ready to change his outlook on things, to fit in the idea of having a significant other perhaps, or at last having someone in his life he has feelings for. But now he feels like he has to change himself back again.

Maybe, he thinks, I shouldn't try to be static. I should keep moving with my feelings, and keep up with them as well as I can. He stops pacing and settles his gaze on the rusted metal of the greenhouse in front of him.

He thinks this is quite a good thought really, maybe even an epiphany.

He does use that term a little liberally as he has epiphanies every day about all sorts of things, but he feels that this may be a good and proper sort of epiphany. Not like that one about those funny socks that are like gloves for feet. That hadn't ended well.

It is about time that one of these happened as he's been walking up and down the little path for about two hours now and it's getting near to dinner time. He wills his brain to continue its thinking and, thankfully, it complies.

His feelings seem to be fluid and changing, and that's just how he is. He's accepted that he's different by now and this is just part of it, and he will adjust to it.

It fits him really, he thinks. He's always changing his decisions, going from one interest to another, changing hobbies and obsessions and moods as quick as a snitch. It makes sense that his romantic feelings should go the same way.

He's not fully used to any of it yet, but he's getting there, and this just helps him cope with all of these recent changes even more.

It might be hard to keep up with himself sometimes, but he's done an alright job of it in the past so there's no reason that he can't handle his changing romantic feelings too.

He starts to smile, actually feeling like he understands this part of himself a little more now, and that he can get used to it.

He spends a while longer padding along the path and thinking to himself. He thinks about aesthetic attraction and romantic attraction and sexual attraction, though he knows he doesn't have that last one, he realised that ages ago and he prefers it that way as it looks too distracting and a bit boring really.

He thinks about how he always has some sort of attraction for James, and he counts that as having feelings for him because he can. He thinks about buying gifts for James and swapping clothes with James and sharing a bed with James, and he realises they do all of those things already sometimes.

He thinks about cuddling his friend more often and decides that, right now, that is something he rather wants to do, although he doesn't feel like any other romantic things. He doesn't fully understand that but he doesn't have to dwell on it, as his mind has drifted off to thinking about nicking an interesting looking plant he's spotted.

When he walks back down to where the path opens out to the smaller greenhouses and open grounds he notices two moving heads of hair.

Springy black curls and short ginger strands that he recognises. They bob around the corner of greenhouse one and suddenly Marlene and Lily are smiling and greeting him.

He suspects that they may have been waiting for him - if anyone would figure out his hiding place it would be those two - but he wants some company so he's happy to chat to them as they all walk towards the castle.

"You look a little down in the dumps," Marlene comments, tilting her head in a way that she does when she's thinking hard about something.

"I'm alright. Have you two had herbology?" Sirius asks the question even though he knows that lessons ended ages ago. He decides that deflecting any comments about his wellbeing is the best course of action so he does just that. The two girls are more intuitive than anyone else he knows.

Lily and Marlene share a glance before Lily answers. "Nope. We've been busy."

"Exceedingly busy." Marlene adds, looking a touch mischievous.

"We've _found_ some seed packets that have definitely not been obtained through nefarious means," Lily continues, her eyes alight.

"I wouldn't dream of thinking such a thing." Sirius assures her, nudging his shoulder against Lily's.

"We're going to grow our own plants in our dorm," Marlene explains after a brief pause for suspense. She's as good at holding things back as James is, Sirius thinks with a smile, then he is reminded about James and he looks away, saying something about how good that sounds.

"Yes, it is a good idea, Lily thought the place could use a little something extra, and Professor Sprout barely lets us grow anything fully ourselves,"

"Well, that's just her teaching method, moving from one plant to another so we get to learn about more of them. Though it does get confusing."

"Exactly, this way it's like our own project. A very private project though, you'd better not tell anyone, not that I think you would, but if it goes wrong somehow- Sirius?"

He looks over as Marlene recaptures his attention, and then looks away again, unable to think of a response to what she's been saying. "Yeah," He settles for.

Lily and Marlene share another glance. Sometimes the two of them really do remind Sirius of himself and James, and he really admires other strong friendships. Speaking of friendships and romance though, he's quite sure that the two of them are dating again.

He'll have to ask Remus about that later. Maybe he can ask them about fancying people… although the minute that thought enters his head he quickly dismisses it.

They would easily end up figuring out who it is that he's got feelings for and then they'd get involved trying to help him confess those feelings. He'd much rather deal with these things himself.

"You've been looking a bit off all day, no offence Sirius, but you've just looked like you're not yourself recently. You know we won't tell anyone if you've got a private issue going on." Lily is saying.

He mutters something vague in reply, speeding up his steps in the hope of reaching the castle and his escape a bit sooner.

"With all of this gazing off into the distance, I'd think you're enamoured with someone, though I know you're too cool for that." Marlene comments, and he doesn't reply to that. Marlene always seems to know when he's lying and he just can't be bothered to think up an excuse.

Unfortunately his silence seems to have answered an unsaid question. Sirius is expecting them to share another one of those glances, but instead Lily wraps an arm around him.

"Shit, Sirius, that's a big thing for you." Lily says, pressing close to him.

"That does explain why you've been looking so off-colour." Marlene adds.

"You're still very handsome though, don't worry."

"Do you want to talk about it, Sirius?"

"I rarely feel that way too, I understand how strange it is to get crushes." If his struggle to word his predicament wasn't already stopping him from speaking, then the truly understanding tone of Lily's voice does. He really is grateful for her and Marlene's friendship.

"I still think you're cool, by the way. Hey, can you tell us who it is?" Marlene asks, peering around Lily and looking intruiged.

"That's classified information." Sirius responds, actually glad that those dinner parties with Unspeakables finally came in handy with a good phrase for him to use.

"That's okay. Is there anything we can help you with?" Marlene replies. Sirius notices that she includes Lily in that statement and also that her hand is in Lily's pocket along with Lily's hand. He muses whether he'd like to hold hands with James and decides that he would. At least, he thinks so right now.

"I get confused. Well, all of it is still confusing, but sometimes I'm not feeling romantically inclined, and then suddenly I like the idea of some romantic things but not others. I never know how to feel." He admits, thinking that at least he can get some advice on one thing if not everything.

Marlene looks over at Lily as if to tell her that's it's her turn to talk.

"I know what you mean. Actions such as kissing and cuddling don't necessarily have to be romantic. I think it helps to not group things as romantic and not romantic," Lily begins explaining, the hand on Sirius' shoulder rubbing in circles.

"The more you fit things into categories then the most confused you will be when those things don't fit into those categories anymore. I hope that explains what I'm saying. Maybe you should just label things as what you feel comfortable with right now and what you don't feel comfortable with. You don't have to fit fully into categories and its natural to be unsure, okay?"

Both Sirius and Marlene are looking in awe of Lily's eloquence on the matter. Sirius actually considers asking her to write a declaration of love for him, but decides against it quickly. Although he's starting to decide that he will tell James about it at some point. That way he will know how his friend feels about it all, and about him.

"That… makes sense. A lot of sense. I've just got to start seeing things in a way that fits me, I think, not in the way that everyone else does." He nods, hoping it will cover up that fact that he can't explain himself as well as Lily does.

"Meet expectations that you are comfortable with rather than trying to fit in with society's expectations and ideals." Lily answers, or rather, rephrases with a wide smile.

Sirius smiles at her gratefully, and also reaches over to pat Marlene on the arm. "Thanks."

"Isn't there anything else you want to talk about?" Marlene asks, leaning over to poke him in the arm in return. Sirius thinks she just wants to find out who it is that he fancies, though he can understand why she'd be eager to know.

"Nothing I can think of right now, but its been really good to talk about it."

They exchange smiles and goodbyes and a few more prods in the arm before Sirius goes off for a late dinner and the girls go off to goodness knows where. Probably the corner of the Ravenclaw table in the Great Hall where Lily can blend in with Marlene and her friends. Almost definitely to muse who Sirius could fancy. Maybe they've already guessed that it's James but didn't want to mention it.

They might be a bit interfering sometimes, but Marlene and Lily always have good intentions. Even though he was eager to escape everyone and have some time on his own, Sirius is glad that he bumped into them.

He feels quite sure that from now on he will get more comfortable with his feelings each day.

Talking to the two girls was more helpful than most of his solitary walks between the greenhouses, though going off by himself is just what he does in these situations and he doesn't think he'll suddenly start going to others for help.

He might consider it more often in the future though.

At the moment, however, all he can think about is the delicious smell of food coming from the Great Hall.


	4. Wednesday, 5:37 pm.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Thank Merlin for Remus Lupin's existence, am I right?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey everyone, happy holidays to you all!
> 
> The holiday season is the reason for this chapter being uploaded a day late, I was busy with visitors dropping off some christmas presents yesterday and they stayed for ages so I didn't have time, but it's here now!
> 
> I really, really do love Remus and him actually being a sassy little bugger, which probably shows lmao
> 
> Enjoy!

"Alright, Moony? You busy?"

Remus looks up from where James has cornered him by his trunk."Yeah, I will be in five minutes, when I've finished sorting this out," He gestures to where he has a pile of clothes that he must be about to stuff into his suitcase in his weekly attempt to look like he's a neat and tidy person.

"So let's cut to the point of the matter: what do you want Prongs?" James thinks that Remus' businesslike manner clashes with his very un-businesslike appearance of untamed curly hair and an orange poncho, but he decides against mentioning that. Besides, if anyone is the boss of sorting out business, it's Remus.

James also thinks that he is very glad that, even though his friend is technically busy now, he's still happy to multitask in order to help out James too.

"Advice." James replies, sitting down on Remus' bed and swinging his legs. He can never stay still when he's on the verge of telling someone about something.

Remus nods, balling up a red shirt and stuffing it under a scarf. "Advice, alright. With what?"

"Have you noticed that Sirius has been acting weird lately?" James asks him after a pause. He decides that it's better to ease himself into the topic of having the hots for their mate.

"You want _advice_ on whether to notice if someone is acting strange or not?" Remus has a tiny smile on his face and it both irritates and amuses James. He can't help but love it when Remus is in a teasing mood. Which is always.

"No, no, shut up. Prat." James kicks Remus' arm and Remus swiftly pulls off James' sock and throws it out of the window without so much as looking up from his trunk. James grumbles as he Summons it back into the dorm room. "I want advice with something else, but do you think he's been a bit off lately?"

"Defnitely." Remus nods as he replies, his eyebrows furrowing together. James is glad that he's not the only one who's concerned about Sirius.

"I think we've all realised how he keeps running off in the middle of conversations," Remus continues. "I've a few ideas why, but it's not like he's accepting any help, no matter how much I try to coax him into talking with the promise of ginger biscuits. He'll come to us when he's ready. Or desperate."

"Yeah, I hope so." James replies, then he decides to launch himself into the real reason for their conversation. "Listen, Remus, I need to tell you about something. It's related, I promise."

"Is it about how you avoided me last week because you thought I didn't know that you'd turned my new hat into a dead fish?" Remus is smiling again, which is lucky because James was sure that he'd get bollocksed for what had happened if his mate found out.

"No," He responds, a little caught off guard by Remus' question. "But I'm really, _really_ sorry about that, I didn't think you'd find out,"

"There was a deceased trout under your bed and my hat was missing." Remus is looking even more amused than he previously was. Pushing the thoughts of the punishment he'd expected aside, and also the oncoming conversation about his feelings for Sirius, James decides that it is quite funny.

"I drew my own conclusions and bought a new hat, no harm done, except to the poor fish." Remus continues with a shrug, stuffing his hand into his trunk and rummaging around a bit before pulling out the new hat he'd bought as proof.

"Here, do you want some galleons for that?" James offers.

"Please. I was going to pay with some of the money you leave lying around the dorm, but I'm not that much of a criminal. Yet."

Even if Remus is by far the sneakiest of the four friends, James knows that he'll never become extremely morally corrupt. He's pretty damn close, though, always toeing the line and shocking the others with the things that he gets up to sometimes for the sake of mischief. He's never actually hurt anybody, however, so James has to admire him.

He lazily Summons a couple of galleons from his bedside table and lets them fall on Remus' lap. "Well, I've learnt my lesson, no more trying to charm antlers onto hats. There you go."

"Thanks. So, is this about your deeply romantic admiration for Sirius, then?"

If James had been drinking some pumpkin juice he knows would have spit it out all over himself just like Marlene had that time during dinner when Remus had said that extremely dirty joke.

He glances around furtively, craning his neck to check that there's nobody hiding on a broomstick outside the window. Although, a second afterwards, he realises that would be highly unlikely.

"Fucking _hell_ , Moony, speak a bit louder why don't you? How do you know?"

Remus makes a noise of amusement in his throat and throws a rolled up tie at James. "There's nobody else in the dorm, Peter and Sirius are having their weekly attempt to master the use of roller-skates in the courtyard. James, if someone were to watch closely they'd notice that you aren't that subtle. Also, you're a terrible liar, I've told you this a thousand times, you great berk."

"Right." James scratches the side of his head and throws the tie back into Remus' trunk, feeling a bit put out that his friend noticed his feelings easily. "I'm very subtle, though."

"Sorry to break it to you, but you and him once had a conversation about kissing techniques and you were practically drooling at his descriptions, Prongs." Remus looks as though he may be about to do an impression of the event, but he looks over at James and his expression softens instead. He's a good friend, James thinks. "I really don't know how he hasn't noticed." Remus muses.

"You haven't told him then?" James raises an eyebrow.

Remus looks like he's moments away from throwing something else in his direction. "Fuck off; I'm a good friend, of course not! Peter noticed too, though, says he's been waiting for it to happen since first year. But back then he betted on Sirius going out with that nice Ravenclaw he's friends with, so I'm not so sure."

As glad as he is that Remus seems unconcerned by James fancying Sirius, he'd like to get back on topic. "Peter's betting habits aside, you're sure Sirius doesn't know?"

"I'm no divination professor, but I sense that he's still unaware." Remus' voice takes on a mystical tone at the last few words, but then he returns to sounding serious. "Me and Peter may have noticed your less than subtle fondness for him, but you know what Sirius is like, he's shit at noticing things relating to himself.

"Anyway, he's been spending the last few days doing a lot of muttering to himself and writing things down before setting them on fire – all the signs of it being an issue with something internal instead. A personal problem."

"You've been paying an _awful_ lot of attention to him; sure you've not got feelings for him?"

Remus fixes him with A Look. "Don't try to change the topic, though your answer is no. I just care about him too, and enjoy pschoanalyzing you all from time to time, in a caring way. Also I'm too busy dealing with your problems to have time for relationships,"

James takes a second to take in Remus' words amidst his worrying about his crisis, and then he realises he's been insulted and jokingly frowns. "You wound me, Remus!"

Then he goes quiet again and nudges his friend's side with his toes. "Thanks for your help though, I thought he might be acting odd because he'd figured out… I was worried he didn't like me because of it…"

"There's no way Sirius Black would end a friendship with someone over something like that. He practically bathes in glory every time someone admits he's attractive." Remus points out, sitting up on his knees in order to squeeze a pair of trousers into a corner of his suitcase.

"This isn't just compliments, this is fancying him, and he always gets awkward if he hears that someone likes him that way." James continues, scratching his jaw and now becoming worried again as he thinks the whole thing through. "I just want to hold him, all of the time," he adds, his voice sounding rather pained.

Remus pats him on the shoulder, thankfully not commenting on his pining.

"I know, I'm sorry James, though that's just how he is and he can't help it. Not everyone wants relationships." Remus shrugs, but he does look sympathetic. "Anyway, whatever's going on with him is something else, so figure out how to sort that out before panicking about telling him, okay?"

"Righto. I'll get the map from Pete and hunt him down." James decides, sliding off the bed and stretching his arms.

He's realised that if he thinks about something for long enough he'll find something to worry about, which isn't fun. It's just a better idea to stop thinking about possible scenarios and to actually find out what the hell is going on with his mate.

Remus gets up, closes the lid of his trunk with some effort and then sits on top of it. James has always found it amusing that his friend usually opts for muggle methods instead of using a quick charm to make things easier.

"Doesn't sound too reassuring," Remus comments with a raised eyebrow.

"I'll hunt him down as though he is prey that needs to be cared for." James amends, patting Remus on the shoulder as his way of thanks before walking over to the door. Shoulder patting seems to have become their latest method of wordless communication and he finds it quite comforting really.

"Better." Remus replies, shooting him a smile. "Good luck."

"Thanks kiddo."


	5. Thursday, 7:49 pm.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sirius is being dramatic and Peter attempts to help him. Rain and dog noises and awkward moments are involved.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is actually being posted on time, yay!  
> This is a bit of a vague filler chapter, but it helps to go towards reaching the ending (which will be the next chapter :0) so it's necessary, and it's nice to see some Sirius and Peter interaction!
> 
> This chapter doesn't really go anywhere, though the point with Sirius is that everything about him is rather fluid and confusing and changing, but that's okay and he works with it and it'll work out for him in the end, don't worry.

Sirius is having an Internal Crisis.

These happen at least once a week and he is generally best left to his own devices when they happen. They've become a revered event of sorts, Sirius thinks; he announces it through words or through body language and then goes to the quiet spot in the courtyard to mull over the crisis while the others undoubtedly worry about his absence but know it is for the best.

The conclusions vary.

Mostly he figures out a possible way to deal with the problem and is too tired to think any more, so returns to the castle.

Other times he ends up accidentally shouting to a friend about it, or an unsuspecting student if they wander to close to his thinking spot. Sometimes he even sets a tree or two on fire, though that has only happened a couple of times during Extreme Situations.

The Internal Crisis has been building for a few days, since realising he has a monumental heart hard-on for his best mate, but only now has it earned the title of crisis.

Things were getting better as he had come to terms with having changing romantic feelings. But even though that side of things has improved, the fact remains that when he does have strong romantic feelings it is very hard not to tackle James and kiss him as though he's an over eager dementor.

The fact also remains that as well as wanting to be extra touchy-feely with his friend sometimes, he also feels bad about keeping things from James and for secretly feeling this way about him.

He tried his best to sort it out, he really did. He's been staying out of James' way, keeping his gaze averted when talking to him, and even going down to breakfast without him for the first time since when James was ill a couple of winters ago. And even then he brought toast back for him.

He's not sure why people write so many songs about fancying people because the only song he feels like singing is some sort of slow, depressing thing.

He feels like every night somebody creeps in and takes out his organs and then puts them back in all the wrong places, and then he wakes up and feels not quite right at all but can't do anything about it. He just wants to tell James about it, but he can never think of the right words and worries about the reaction he'll get.

Now, he's thought a lot about this feelings thing. He tried to get some control over it, but when he discovered that was easier said than done he decided to let it run its course and to try and accept that he fancies James and that's that. Though it seems to have a very long course and James Potter seems to have hands that cause Sirius to make an involuntary squawking noise and then run off.

Which happened today.

Hence this problem becoming a crisis.

Sirius isn't sure what to think about now. Thinking about his feelings for his friend has become tiresome and confusing, and he'd rather not think about the awkward reaction he had a few minutes ago in great detail.

It's too dark outside for him to distract himself with the scenery, so he decides to stare at the sky until another epiphany appears or he starts to literally freeze and has to go inside.

"You, my friend, can do a great impression of a dying hippogriff,"

Sirius has a momentary second of panic that James has found him before huffing loudly as the light of his wand tip lands on Peter's face.

"Thanks for your support in this trying time." He replies, pretending to complain even though he is rather glad that he has some company. He feels close to projecting his thoughts onto somebody and it would be better if it wasn't another second year who turns out to be the child of one of the professors. Plus, he enjoys Peter's company very much, as annoying as he can be sometimes with his teasing.

Peter rolls his eyes. "I was going to leave you alone, but you've been spending too much time on your own lately and that was a good joke that couldn't go unsaid," He says, his voice laced with humour but his expression solemn. "You didn't turn up for rollerskating yesterday. You owe me some time in your company."

"I didn't feel up to it, sorry," Sirius replies.

"Oh, so you're admitting that something's up with you now, are you?" Peter retorts, eyeing the slightly damp grass warily in the light of a lantern hanging from his hand before unravelling his scarf and sitting down on that next to Sirius.

Sirius makes another huffing noise, the sort that he'd make in his dog form, he notes. He much prefers to keep things to himself and to not bother any of the others with his problems, but he's starting to think that this crisis is becoming difficult one to solve.

"It'd be great if you could talk about it with me, Sirius. You know, we're all wondering what in heaven's name is troubling you and it'd be good to make you feel better."

It looks like Peter has been spending so much time around his animagus form that he can understand the meaning behind his vague sniffing noises, Sirius muses.

"It's a lot of things rolled into one," Sirius begins, attempting to word his issue without actually fully outing himself as a terribly lovesick person who often has the hots for his best mate.

He looks over and sees Peter tap his chin thoughtfully. He is the only person Sirius has ever seen who actually does that seriously. He likes that about his friend, Wormtail always puts his full effort into things, even odd little gestures.

"Maybe picking the things apart and dealing with them one by one is a good idea. Seeing if solving one will solve the others."

Sirius thinks about that for a moment, though his fancying James and not wanting to lose his friendship and still feeling a bit out of his depth with his new feelings are all entwined together too tightly to think about separately.

"I think I need to tell somebody something because it feels like it is going to burst out of me and I don't want that to happen without planning it," Sirius explains, all of his words rolling out in one breath as soon as he thinks them. "I don't know what to say and I don't want to say it wrong."

Sirius is absolutely sure that he sounds very vague and is wording things in a more simple way than he usually does, but he's managing to talk about it without going into detail, so he has to internally congratulate himself.

Peter's eyes don't even widen at the outburst; he is clearly in Thinking Deeply Mode and will be stuck there for some time until he feels he has tackled the issue at hand.

"Write down what you want to say, then?" The smaller boy offers after a minute of silent pondering. "Even if it doesn't exactly go to plan when you say it, it's better to have a strategy than to not have one, I think,"

Sirius sighs to show his friend that this sounds like entirely too much effort. He hopes Peter can't see him very well as he scrubs his hand over his face despairingly, although his mate must have charmed the light of his lantern because it's pretty bright.

"Right, not that then, okay." Peter continues, resuming his finger tapping. He's looking at Sirius through narrowed eyes in a way that makes Sirius feel like Peter is reading his thoughts and knows exactly what he's talking about. "Well, you'll have to say it. That's the easiest way to feel better, to get it out of your system. You could try it on me, you know, tell me as though you're telling them?"

Sirius actually does consider that for a moment. But then he decides it would be terrible to make a declaration of love to Peter, he'd be simultaneously telling him that he has a crush on James and also having to make a declaration of love which he is sure will just be embarrassing as he hasn't done one of those seriously before.

"I don't think I can do that, Pete,"

Peter nods his head in that understanding way of his that makes Sirius feel properly listened to. He does like feeling properly listened to; it helps even though he hasn't really figured out what to do with himself. "Not to worry. There's really nothing else I can suggest, in the end you're probably going to have to tell the person about it. Or you could tell me about it and I could tell them for you?"

It's partly a gesture of friendship and partly an excuse to get the issue out of him, Sirius knows. Though, knowing Peter, he probably just wants to find out what's wrong so he has more of a chance of being able to help him with his predicament.

Sirius really is grateful for his company. "I want to do it myself, that much I know." The words come out more solemnly than he intended, as though he is planning to issue a death sentence.

"Crikey, this sounds like something serious. You know you can always talk to us about it, right? We're always here to help you with things, you know that?" Peter asks, sounding as though he thinks Sirius is hiding having a serious illness from him.

"I do, thanks mate. It's nothing bad." Sirius assures his friend, shaking his hair out of his eyes. The light breeze blows the strands back a second later and he sighs. "It's just pissing me off because I've never had any problems with this before."

"Is it a problem with, you know, going to the loo?" Peter asks, making a vague gesture and then raising an eyebrow.

Sirius has to really exert a lot of effort not to laugh as Peter is being very serious about the whole thing. "Merlin, no, that whole area is fine and dandy, thanks."

"Good, if I'm honest I wasn't all that keen on talking about piss with you, or worse," Peter admits, patting him on the shoulder in a jovial fashion before narrowing his eyes seriously again. "Has it helped to talk to me about things a bit?"

Sirius smiles, genuinely feeling like some of the weight has been lifted from his shoulders. "Yeah. I owe you for this."

"Can I borrow your blanket for a few nights, then? The one with the heating charm?"

"No! Sorry, but I'm not risking my toes getting even a little bit cold. You can have my servings of food from the kitchens though, if you want,"

"You're not coming down for an evening snack with us? But you never miss it! And you didn't turn up to dinner, you've been out here for about half an hour now, and it's freezing!"

Sirius shrugs, hoping to show that he's simply doing what must be done and that's all there is to say about it.

The message is clearly misinterpreted as Peter rolls his eyes and calls him a 'melodramatic sod' before dumping his scarf in his lap and leaving, lantern clanging against his side as he tells Sirius to make sure he gets something to eat later.

Sirius waves him off and winds the scarf around his neck, very grateful for the added warmth.

It's starting to get even colder, and the fine mist of rain that's been falling is starting to get heavier. He pulls the scarf over his head and spends about fifteen more minutes thinking about his conversation with Peter before reluctantly trudging back inside.

He'll go and hide out in the dorm room, he thinks, eating whatever snacks he has stowed away in his trunk.

After that… well, he's not really sure. It'll still be too early to go to sleep, but he isn't in the mood to read another three day old newspaper in order to avoid James in the common room.

He's starting to become certain that he will tell James about his predicament, and soon. The more certain he becomes about his feelings, the more certain he is that telling James is what he'll have to do. Although he only tends to be bold at going through with things when they won't affect him.

He might actually try writing down a grand speech. Though he's pretty sure he'll never actually say it to his friend, but if talking about things to Peter helped him, then maybe writing down some things will aid him too.

Plus, it's definitely preferable to reading that column about his cousin's marriage again.


	6. Friday, 6:22 am.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> James isn't woken up with toast and he decides to take Action.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Posting this a day late again, oops! I've had a bug, and I did finish editing it yesterday, but when I saved it I'd been timed out on fanfic.net (where I save my chapters), so I left it and decided to redo the editing today. 
> 
> Apologies for any mistakes, as per usual I do all the beta-ing myself... also I lost a load of my editing yesterday and forgot a few of the bits I'd changed which I'm pretty damn annoyed about, so if anything doesn't make sense then blame fanfiction.net lmao.
> 
> So here it is! The final chapter!
> 
> This is the longest fanfiction I've written, and the first multi-chapter one I've done and it's been so cool to have other people join me on the journey chapter by chapter, and thankyou to everyone who's left feedback, you guys have really kept me motivated with this fic and have made me smile, so thanks!!
> 
> I'm really glad I got to bring something to the James/Sirius shippers as there's not many long fics like this for us to read, and hopefully many of you enjoy the exploration of the different characters and their friendships too, as one of my main reasons for writing this was to get to explore James and Sirius' interactions with their other friends too :)
> 
> Anyway, thankyou again if you're reading this, and I hope you enjoyed this fic!
> 
> P.S - Unsanitary warning for near the end of the chapter, these two boys are kids who enjoy toilet humour.

It's a Friday.

On Fridays Sirius likes to get up Very Early and go for a good old run in the morning. Then he has two large bowls of porridge and returns to the dorm to throw toast at everyone and bounce on their beds.

Nobody is entirely sure why it happens, but it's become a ritual for them.

James does enjoy breakfast in bed. He gets it from his mother when he's ill, from his father on his birthdays (his dad's special fizzing pancakes are probably his favourite meal) and he gets it on Fridays.

Not this Friday, however.

The other two have clearly predicted this. Peter is cleaning his teeth haphazardly while pulling on some trousers, looking nonplussed with the absence of toast. Remus is nowhere to be seen, he's either still asleep or has gone down for breakfast, either way, James isn't going to attempt to disturb him.

Besides, Sirius is the one who hunts people down simply out of curiosity.

But he's not around either, and James is pretty pissed off with that.

Firstly, he's not having toast and marmalade in bed. Secondly, Sirius isn't around and he'd sort of been hoping that his mate might lighten up enough to still be his usual energetic self that morning.

This is all the ammunition he needs to make himself get out of bed, get dressed and storm downstairs to just bloody well confront Sirius about his weird, offhand behaviour that they've all been putting up with for over a week.

He's spent the last couple of days trying to do this, but Peter says he gave the map to Sirius a while back, which explains why Sirius is so good at avoiding them all, and really doesn't help with trying to track his best mate down. He'd started to search for Sirius in the grounds the previous day, but then it had started raining and it was freezing and he decided it would be better to go inside and get warm.

He'd settled for having a couple of chocolate frogs in the common room before going to bed and deciding to try again the next day. Which leads him to where he is now, entering the Great Hall.

James spots him instantly, and not just because he's always subconsciously on the lookout for his friend. Sirius is wearing the bright red and gold tracksuit bottoms and top that James' mother made for the both of them for some unholy reason.

James wears his for whenever he actually has to clean the dorm. Sirius wears his with pride at every possible moment, although it's half six and he usually would've had a shower and changed out of them by now.

Looks like he's avoiding them all again. Or, more accurately, avoiding wherever James resides.

Well, thinks James, I'm currently residing in the Great Hall with Sirius and I'm going to reside here with all of my might until this berk tells me what's going on.

"No wakeup call this morning?" James accosts the other boy, sitting himself down next to him and pouring himself some orange juice with a bit of pumpkin juice mixed into it.

Sirius doesn't look startled at James' arrival; he just sips his mug of hot chocolate more eagerly.

Not like James is going to let him escape once he's finished it.

He's only had one bowl of porridge that morning, James can tell from the scrape marks in the coagulated leftovers. It's not creepy. Sirius would probably know how many pieces of toast James has had just from looking at the leftover crusts. That's just how they are with each other, always in tune.

Which is why it's so infuriating when Sirius is clearly blocking himself from his best friend, sticking an unreadable expression on his face and simply saying: "Sorry, didn't feel up to it today."

"You've not been feeling up to anything for a while, by the looks of things," James points out, frowning and lowering his head to try and catch Sirius' gaze. Sirius turns his head away under the pretence of watching someone leave the hall. James rests his head down on the table in irritation.

Sirius' mouth moves around, lips pursing and moving to the sides. It's unfortunate for him that James can read him so well – he's uncertain and uncomfortable. That doesn't sound too good, James muses internally as he vigorously rubs his temple, thinking about the idea that Sirius _knows_ about his feelings.

His mate looks so unsure that James momentarily forgets his decision to demand Sirius to tell him what's going on, but only momentarily. Sirius replies with a low hum, and James rolls his eyes, straightens up and returns to what he likes to call Bad Cop Mode.

"Sirius, how you're acting is really getting annoying, no offence," He begins, wrapping his fingers around his drink to stop himself from reaching out and patting his friend on the arm. Sirius doesn't respond well to touching when he's unhappy. "It's been going on for days now, and I'm starting to feel like you're avoiding me. Remus and Peter have no idea what's going on with you, and I've asked them about a million times."

He hitches his glasses up his nose, fixing his friend with an understanding expression and giving him time to interrupt and ramble on about all his problems like he usually does in this situation. Sirius just remains quiet instead, holding his mug but not sipping the hot chocolate inside.

Someone across the hall drops some cutlery on the floor and it clatters loudly, making Sirius jump and frown. James wants to smile at that – it's good to see that there's still someone behind the neutral mask. Sirius unsettles him when he's too still and quiet for too long.

"Padfoot, I'm not leaving until you tell me what's happened, or what's happening. It sounds a bit harsh, but we've been trying to get you to talk to us, giving you time to come to us... we've been staying patient all this time. It's hard when you're so closed off. It's just worrying, really worrying," James continues, his voice making an odd scratchy noise at the last few words as James remembers just how concerned he is about his friend.

The pained tone of his voice causes Sirius' expression to change again, and James feels like he's getting even closer to some sort of a reaction and he smiles the tiniest bit.

"I want to-" Sirius starts and then swallows, frowning at himself. "It's private, but I want to talk about it, but I can't, there are lots of things I'm not sure about."

James' frown matches his friend's. He's not gained anything from that, but at least Sirius still wants to talk to him, right? Sirius' words were so rushed, James thinks that he may want to explain everything but he's holding himself back for some reason.

"What things aren't you sure about?" He decides to ask, thinking this should lead to his best mate opening up a little more.

Sirius doesn't move, though his jaw tightens ever so slightly. If James notices because he's good at reading his friend or because he's an expert at staring at him, he can't tell, but at least he's getting some sort of reaction.

"Are you interested in anybody right now? Like, _interested_." Is what Sirius says next, not moving from his hunched over position, though he blows a strand of hair from his forehead.

James sits back in his seat, expression relaxing into one of vague irritation. "Trying to change the subject won't work with me. I meant what you aren't sure about regarding what's troubling _you_."

Sirius huffs, sounding a bit irritated too, which James doesn't really understand. "Just answer the question, dickhead."

"Not really, no. Now tell me what's confusing you." James replies, the corners of his lips quirked upright at the fact that Sirius was back to his normal self for a moment.

"Not really?"

"This hasn't got anything to do with what we're talking about, stop it."

"Well, actually, my problem is regarding having feelings for someone." Sirius retorts, his voice taking a pissed off, petulant tone that James loves to hear. It always means that his friend has found a fight to pick that he's not going to lose. "So," Sirius continues. "It would help to know more about fancying people so I can make sure that these are real."

Sirius speaks evenly, but James can hear the hint of panic behind his words. He knows that Sirius has never been much of a fan of romance, though he has enjoyed watching a few romantic comedies, but he's never been all that bothered by it personally.

It's strange to hear that he might have a crush on someone, and he now understands that it must be even stranger for his friend to be having those feelings all of a sudden. It now makes more sense why he's been so distant with them, so wrapped up in his own thoughts.

"Merlin's balls."

"I asked you for some explaining, Prongs. I know it's strange, for me, but I don't want to talk about that right now. I'm kind of getting used to it anyway. Now, talk crushes."

"Righto. Well. There's lots of feelings, really."

"What is it like for you?"

"It's like… it's like you look at them and everything clicks inside you. Like there's invisible pieces of something in your insides and they match up nicely and make you feel good inside when you think about them. Or see them. Or do anything to do with them, if I'm honest.

"Sometimes it gets overwhelming and sometimes it gets really intense if they do certain things, and sometimes the pieces inside you fit together wrong and make you ache because you're not getting to be with them all the time. That help at all?"

"Mmm. But how do you know? Like how do you figure out that it's not just wanting friendship or something?"

"I dunno. I just felt like it made sense. I think if you're comfortable with it being more than friendship and you want more than friendship, then you can call it that. If you could live without doing those things and you don't really want them, then you stick with friendship.

"I don't know if that's right, I've not really had that sort of confusion before. It was romantic and it felt right and that was it for me. It's hard to know the difference between platonic and not, I bet, so don't stress yourself out about it all too much. They're your feelings and you can make them whatever's comfortable, yeah?"

"Yeah. Looks like I have more than friendly feelings for you, then."

James is all of a sudden Very Confused, but what his best mate just said makes quite a bit of sense too. It would explain the fact that Sirius has been avoiding James in particular.

He can't really think beyond that as he's still startled and distracted by Sirius muttering curses under his breath and the goblet of juice is cold under his fingers and he can feel a lot of things but can't put them into words.

"Merlin's balls," he repeats, thinking it's better than nothing. It's annoying, he'd felt a minute ago that he'd given a good speech and that he was actually pretty good with words. Now he's just sat on a bench and staring at his friend and that's all that he's able to do at the moment.

"I think I do. I'm not sure about it all. They'll probably go away. They come and go a lot anyway, really. Peter probably knows a name for it, he knows all about these things, I might ask him later."

Sirius is finally doing his rambling, though James is sure it's just to cover up his own feelings which are written clearly on his face. Shock and worry and uncertainty. Now would probably be a good time for James to say something.

"Fucking hell." Well, again, it's better than nothing. Though James isn't sure how much longer he can keep telling himself that excuse, so he tries again. "It's fucking okay. It's okay. Sorry about the swearing. I don't think I can control it."

"You say you're okay yet you continue to curse like a flying carpet salesman. That's not very reassuring." Sirius responds in a voice that is aiming for carefree and humorous but which has just ended up sounding strained and a little too rough around the edges.

"I am okay. This is good. I have a lot of questions." James says with a smile, as Sirius is finally catching his eye and his expression is looking more relaxed than he's seen it all week.

Sirius starts counting off on his fingers as he speaks. "How long have you known? Since one in the morning, last Sunday. How do you know you fancy me if you feel romantic things on and off? I just do, deal with that. Why have you only had one bowl of porridge today? I went for my run late and they'd almost run out of berries by the time I got here, and you know I can only have porridge if there's berries too." Sirius ends with an exhale and a brief, pleased smile. "Did that help you at all?"

"A bit." James answers, then looks up at the cloudy ceiling, and then down at the bit of the table where he'd banged his head, and then at Sirius' knee. "I mainly wanted to ask if you would be okay with me telling you that I fancy you too."

He wonders how Sirius could say it so matter-of-factly before. Although he had looked very shocked at the fact he'd said it. James thinks telling someone that you like them is going to have to go on his list of things that are always hard to do, like tying up Quidditch boots right on the first try and getting his hair to look neat.

"Cor. That's a lot better than you copying my mum and disowning me on the spot like I'd expected." Sirius says after a moment of probably trying to catch James' eye so he can grin at him. James wouldn't know, he's still staring at Sirius' kneecap. The red fabric is very bright, he'd bet that his mother charmed it that way.

He _knows_ that Sirius likes him, and Sirius has in fact responded well to his confession, so why is he feeling so unsure about it all? While he listens to Sirius sip the last of his hot chocolate before it gets too cold he decides it's because he's waited so long to do it. He's been practicing how he would say it for years, had the need to do so building up inside him for a very long time.

The internal shivers of shock have subsided after a minute and instead he feels deflated from their conversation. It's like finishing a good meal; he feels exhausted from all of the effort, but also full of nice feelings. It's very similar, he muses, though with less potatoes mushed up inside him and more content thoughts.

"What do we do now, then?" Sirius is asking, tapping his fingers on the side of his mug and looking back to his old self. It's as though the last few days of hiding away and aloofness never happened.

James will never stop being confused with how easily his friend can switch moods – he always has to mull things over for a while before he can properly move on from things.

Though analysing their conversation isn't the first thing he wants to do right now. He looks up to meet Sirius gaze and smiles widely. He can feel every bit of him itching to touch Sirius, to be as close to him as possible. He can't believe how lucky he is that he can finally be as close to Sirius as he's been wanting to be.

"Do you want to kiss or something?" He asks, not sure if kissing is even allowed in the Great Hall, or if he really wants to do it with an audience of teachers, but he asks anyway.

He's just so eager to do _something_ seeing as it turns out that they both have feelings for each other. It's as though he needs proof that this is really, actually happening.

Sirius looks like he properly considers this for a moment. "Can we hold hands? I'm not really in the mood for kissing, I am sometimes, but just not right now."

"That's fine, that's very fine," James is responding as he instantly reaches for Sirius' hand and slides his fingers between the slender ones that are curling around his own. He squeezes and Sirius squeezes back, and they do it again and James laughs.

"This is nice. We should do this a lot." Sirius muses aloud, his eyes now looking along the table for any leftovers he can scavenge, looking like he's fully regained his appetite and happiness and everything else he's been lacking for the last few days. James couldn't be happier about it all.

He nods heartily in agreement to that comment, his laughs having been replaced with a much quieter (but still enthusiastically cheerful) grin. "I just can't believe we're doing this. I've been wanting to for so long."

Sirius arches an eyebrow as he reaches over to get a cold slice of toast, his grip on James' hand straining a little but his fingers never once letting go. "How long?"

"A very long time. Embarassingly long. Longer than Dumbledore's beard." James responds vaguely, pushing the apricot jam towards the other boy.

"How long _exactly_?" Sirius prods, and then physically prods him in the cheek with the blunt end of a knife.

James shrugs when he replies. "Since second year, thereabouts,"

"Since we were _twelve_? You've been wanting to eat my face off all that time?" Sirius says incredulously through a mouthful of toast and jam.

"Not all the time!" James responds, pressing his arm against Sirius' and prodding him in the side with his own elbow in defence. "I've loved being your friend, too. I haven't spent all this time purely wanting to get with you! I can't explain it well."

"I get it. It's like you're best friends with me and there's something on the side too, but it doesn't take over from us being friends."

James nods, glad that Sirius understands him as much as he understands the other in return. He's sounding a lot more eloquent than usual though, and he wonders if the other guy has been picking up tips from Lily. "Exactly. And, talking about face eating, I don't mind if we never kiss, you know. I'd like to do lots of things with you, but the effect would be ruined if you didn't want to do it too. I'm content to just hold hands with you forever."

Sirius chews on his toast as he mulls this over, smiling cheerfully. "Even when I'm on the toilet?"

"Even when you're on the toilet." James replies sincerely, pressing his lips together in what he likes to think is a very serious expression.

Sirius shoves his side, although gently. "You're disgusting."

"Romantically digusting." James counters.

"No, just disgusting. You've probably been daydreaming for years about being able to hold my hand while I have a shit." Sirius looks like he's starting to find it very hard not to laugh.

There's a moment of silence where they catch each other's gaze, and then they're both laughing, the volume increasing when Sirius starts uncontrollably spraying toast crumbs over the younger student sat across from them.

James thinks it's absolutely brilliant that they're still acting the same as always, and that Sirius is acting how he usually does once more. It's as his friend said, friendship with a bit on the side, though the bit on the side is now reciprocated and equally as important as the friendship.

Merlin, this eloquence thing is catching. Maybe he'll have to write a fancy declaration of love too, just to show off his new talents.

He kind of wants to ask about whether they're going to call each other boyfriends and be in a relationship, but he really isn't fussed about it. There's something there between them and that's all he needs to know. They'll do whatever they're both happy with, he's certain about that. He really couldn't have picked a better person to like this way.

"You know me so well." James belatedly replies, slapping his hand to his chest in a heartfelt way.

Sirius laughs and squeezes his hand. "I really, really like you." He says, sounding so honest that James can't stop the smile that grows on his face, cheeks almost hurting with the force of it.

Fucking hell, James thinks.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If the 'more to come next week' thing is there then ignore it lmao, this is the end of this fic!  
> Although... I'm a little tempted to write something for the saturday too, with the marauders hanging out perhaps. If you have anything you'd like to see here that you feel would end it off nicely, or if you want to see James and Sirius cuddling up in the common room or something, then let me know and it may happen!

**Author's Note:**

> More to come next week! Let me know what you think :)


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